Confessions

Are we really all sinners? With Lent coming up I realized that I haven’t gone to confession in about 5 years. If you don’t know from my other post I am (or try to be) a devout Catholic. My religious background came from my family. Passed on by tradition from generation through generation. We are the kind of family that has a rosary hanging in our cars, that has 10+ prayer cards in our wallets, and pray before having dinner. And of course, go to mass every Sunday. I say “OUR” because I do consider myself someone that prides in my faith. I say my faith and not my religion because I don’t work through the Catholic Church, I work through JC.

I’ve grown up with this family background and through elementary school and middle school I was an altar server at my parish, went to private Catholic school, and prayed with my family. Once I grew up this tradition quickly diminished and transcended into more of a conviction of my faith. In high school, I was what you call a “peer minister”, someone who helps lead retreats, who helps students around the community, and ultimately are supposed to be the leaders of the school. “Faith” leaders anyway.

I went to an all-girls Catholic high school where we were drug tested every week and if a boy showed up at our school it was seen as wrong. If a girl was dropped off at school by her boyfriend, by the end of the day she was the talk to the day. Gossip FLEW in our school. We didn’t wear skirts or got beat by nuns, on the contrary, it was pretty chill compared to the stereotypes everyone gives it. I plan on sending my daughters there if I have daughters to begin with.

Now back to the peer ministry thing, about being role models at our school. No one is perfect. None of us can vouch for being perfect. We weren’t formed that way. Our mentor would always say that its not about being that perfect person, its about being human and recognizing our flaws and that we are sinners. So do I believe in confession, about “absolving our sins”? I’m not sure I do. I’m not sure I actually believe in religion itself. At the end of the day, isn’t it a man-made form of worship?

I try my best to be Catholic. I really do. And its kills me inside that I don’t have the same fire I used to have when I was younger. It sucks that I can’t “turn to Jesus” in my time of need because of all the stupid shit going on in my life. Why is my grandfather clinically depressed and dying? Why do I live my life like the “perfect” child? Why can’t I figure out what I want to do with my life? Why can’t I be myself?

That last question kills me to my core. Why can’t, in some situations, I be myself fully? Why can’t I realize what I want and not want? Or am I just overanalyzing my life? I honestly don’t want a perfect life. I know humans make mistakes and that some things just happen but isn’t God supposed to help us through all this bullshit? I know He’s there but man, do I wish I could see Him.

Even though it’s the cheesiest movie in the world in “A Walk to Remember” she describes faith as the wind: “I can’t see it, but I can’t feel it”. God, if you’re listening, help. I know I’m young but I don’t want to making mistakes. And I don’t want to wrongfully do you no good. I honestly really don’t but I get tempted and I get lured. This is just a prayer to make yourself a little more visible.

GY